Lawns come roaring back to prominence in Summer Explosion!

Alright everyone. Winter is leaving us. That means we have to spend at least an hour or so a day taking care of these ridiculous things - our yards. I just woke up from a delicious dream where my grass naturally kept its growth in check. I woke to a 190 pound, bed hogging of a yard - and it wants breakfast!

Not many people know this about me, but for a few months I worked as a professional lawn care specialist. I even got to use one of these elegant machines:

The operator rides on a small platform attached to the back. The learning curve is steep for these things, meaning you have no clue for the first five minutes. Then the light comes and you're tearing up yards and dicing lost chewie toys with ease.

My boss was named Wendel King. He named the business King's Lawn Service. Wendel was a recovering crack addict with a large belly and a large nose, a nose that affected the pitch and timbre of his voice. He also had a bad temper and hated panhandlers. He could eat two full sized Chipotle burritos and weed eat a lawn in the hot, summer sun. I remember I had one. I got half way through the first lawn, then I took the truck down to the 7 eleven and bombed the hell out of their bathroom.

Another thing most people don't know about the lawn care industry is this: they're always high. Cutting lawns is so fucking boring. Everyone is on drugs. It's mostly weed, I believe. But some prefer alcohol and cocain. We couldn't do that with Wendel. I was too young anyway. Still, he fired me because he thought I was addicted to drugs.